I have to start this blog by saying it is merely a snippet of my analysis of The Kite Runner. For many reasons, I have held onto this book for the better part of the last decade as my favorite, returning to my analysis, returning to the text, returning to the themes.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini came into my life when I myself was on the precipice. Well, quite a few precipices, rather. The precipice of adulthood. The precipice of coming out to myself and those around me as queer. The precipice of re-discovering the meaning of religiosity. The precipice of an empathy-centered life. The precipice of forgiveness.

I read this book in my 12th-grade English class. It was one of many texts we read in a literature-intensive course, but it was by far the most impactful. Maybe that had something to do with the assignment we were given by Mr. Nettesheim to give a presentation on one of the themes in the book. For one of the only times in my academic career up to that point, I really sat down and thought. And for a myriad of reasons (most of which I’ll leave out the details), I chose the theme of forgiveness. That’s one of the best, and maybe one of the only good, decisions I made when I was 17. My presentation centered on forgiveness of the self, with a weighted emphasis on the role of God in one’s life to reach that kind of forgiveness. At that time I was still deeply rooted in the Catholic faith, hoping that I could find answers to who I am in continued rituals. I remember the class being really quiet after that presentation, reflecting on some of the heaviness I had just brought forward to a class of adolescents. To this day, I think it’s still the best presentation I’ve ever given.

This leads me to my second point, this assignment was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable, and it took me a few years to truly understand the impact of vulnerability when it comes to forming strong relationships. And finally, this leads me to what keeps bringing me back to The Kite Runner. We find ourselves represented so often in novels; every teenager sees at least a little bit of themselves in Holden Caulfield, but something about Amir, the main character of this novel, spoke so loudly and so directly to me. I found myself so drawn to this Muslim boy in 1970s Afghanistan, which may as well have been the moon to me. Why? Amir was anything but vulnerable. Amir refused to allow anyone in — whether a product of his religion, the war around him, or the class differences that made up his culture didn’t matter — Amir was me.

And throughout the novel, we see how Amir is both pushed away and pushes away. How his relationships break down as a result. How his actions hurt people around him, how they hurt himself, even when his goal is to just make everyone happy. We see how he struggles when the world as he knew it is torn away, but he still holds onto the guilt from his former self.

Pause.

At 17, I didn’t see myself falling into the same patterns as Amir, but I knew I felt a deep sense of empathy for him. But now I realize why I kept rooting for Amir. I was rooting for myself. I needed Amir to have a redemption arc. I needed to have a redemption arc. Something inside me knew that the path I was headed down was lonely, unsustainable.

Resume.

Amir gave me the thing I was looking for most at that time in my life. Hope. Hope for the courage of vulnerability. Hope to let go of guilt. Hope to become the person you admired when you were younger.

The reason I keep returning to this novel is because it keeps providing hope. It continues to remind me that I’m not the same person I once was. The Kite Runner provides a metric for me to realize that maybe I am growing up, and reading about Amir every few years is like looking into a mirror. Except now I’m not looking at that little boy in 1970s Afghanistan, on the precipice. Now I’m looking at myself, finding my own way, and continuing to learn lessons in forgiveness, and lessons in hope. And I’ve jumped off the precipice, headfirst, into becoming who I am supposed to be.